With Hopes of Being a Writer
I am writing this in a state of conflict.
I have had dreams of being a writer for as long as blah, blah, blah. It’s always the same story, no matter how much truth there is to it.
Yes, I want to be a writer. But I also have aspirations for a career in international affairs. It’s what I am paying to go to school for (and will continue to pay for even after I finish).
Herein lies the conflict.
I want to be a writer, and I fear the same things all writers do. The biggest being my name on my work for anyone to read. Because it is vulnerable. No one has ever read my work before, and as much as I want them to, I am an awful perfectionist. Or maybe a great one. Both leave me wanting to do more, keep working on my writing to a point it is never complete.
My name hasn’t been a problem as I have never “finished” anything before. I have written books with a beginning, middle, and end, but have never gotten past the second draft. Nothing ever out into the world.
But as of today, I have written a flash fiction story I wish to submit to a contest. Do I put my real name or a pen name? This is the question that eats at me.
Why do people choose pen names? I have read every article on the topic. My reason for the nom de plume is this: I want to have a career, and I don’t want my writing to get in the way of that.
But how could it?
Well, I don’t exactly write about world peace and happy endings.
Every story I have ever written, even as a child, has been dark. Dark themes, dark magic, dark endings.
I fear if people saw my name on a story about radioactive rain that makes people sick and die, or a story about assassin siblings killing one another, they would not see me as a person who should be working in international politics. After all, how could that person want to make the world a better place?
I am a writer. What I want is to be a published writer. I want people to read my work and have questions and feel intrigued. But what of my name? My name doesn’t make people pick up the book, but the recognition for ideas and hard work wouldn’t hurt. Money isn’t even the goal (though I welcome it with open arms). I want to be able to say that I have had work chosen and published.
Chosen. Published. Author.
The deadline for my decision is July 4th. It also happens to be the same day my vacation ends. I have a relaxing getaway to decide.
I don’t know if I will ever be a big-time author, or even a small-time one, but I do want to be published, and I see potential in my story.
I suppose that’s why I’m here, writing in conflict with hopes of being a writer. I will write about my writing problems, and maybe even post a story or two to test the waters. See if I’m even worthy of such fears.
Until then, I will write. Write and think about my name and whether it should be the one I will submit on July 4th.
